live from neverneverland

Sun, 16 Oct 2005 23:58:29 GMT

start the hardening
pick up those bricks and start
the wall building
forget the pain
or better yet use it
find that will to fight
remember those days which consisted
of only night
wall up that heart again
make it high , higher then before
make it strong, stronger then before
dont let it sink in,
be and iconsiderate bastard
jaded and immune to life
forget that love that made you hurt
you'll be fine

advice i got about 10 minutes ago from my old friend
aidan, i knew he was a fighter and a bit of an asshole and
a criminal
never knew he was a poet.

Fri, 30 Sep 2005 23:37:11 GMT

i doubt i'll update more then once a month
if that
but for now
i'm sore, but my bruises and so on are healing up nicely
i took off the bandages today when i got home
i gotta stop getting myself in trouble
apart from that , nada is new
i'm a model student now
weird

Sun, 11 Sep 2005 17:40:46 GMT

haha well guess once more my plans didnt go as i thought
c'est la vie
instead i'm going back to school.
and of all schools i think laurier.
if i'm going to get a diploma might as well be a french diploma.
mind you it was an interesting choice to make, yes i know more people at beal, i like downtown and in general beal holds no surprises ,
yes, i have some ex girlfriends at laurier and their annoying friends, but i have a carte blanche.
plus lets face it i'm not going into art for a career , i'm pretty good at it but i'm not passionate by any standards about art.

but in general i'm also found that i enjoy being single for once, and not just that nicee little freedom in between relationships that last a few weeks
same time i miss what i had. haha i wake up every morning and i got this valentine someone made for me hanging on my mirror. directly across from is a picture of her an i.

i miss it a lot actually.

Wed, 07 Sep 2005 19:36:58 GMT

is it just a coincidence that every time i go online you go off?

Thu, 01 Sep 2005 13:43:12 GMT

every turn i make, i feel likei'm hurting someone else.
it seems my only real talent in my life.
now i'm making a clean break, and even that hurts people.
i knew it would...but.. i dont know
i love people here, but i do believe my one friend put it well
(she had been waiting for apt oppertunity to use the phrase)
i'd give my life for you but i wouldnt live it for you.
i'm following my misled dreams now,
i need this...

montreal

Tue, 30 Aug 2005 12:07:29 GMT

i'm most likely moving to montreal.
i came across an interesting observation while i was travelling recently
i seem to be happier while doing something adventurous, something that i dont know
how its going to end. i need that.
i dont know montreal, its new, its exciting.
my friend is putting me up until i get back on my feet.
i'll probably leave in a few weeks.
i think i just need that completely new start.
maybe.. who knows.
breaking free from that oppression of past.

this doesnt mean that i dont love my friends and so on as much as ever
i love you all. i love my family, but lets face it.
i wasnt ready to settle down yet.
we all knew it just didnt say it.
who knows if before i go i find something to give me reason to stay,
great. if not.
i'm gone. now, as to how i'm going to tell everyone ..

Sat, 27 Aug 2005 19:25:27 GMT

one more adventure before i settle down for a while. i'm in a library in picton ontario
it was a good day or so of traveling to get here.
met some cool people.
and i've been surviving off of nutrigrain bars.
haha go figure.
another day, another adventure
i'll be back in a few days.

Sat, 20 Aug 2005 22:33:16 GMT

i realized the other day, sad as it is to say.
i feel like we're become strangers
makes sense with those long silences now.

crazy

Mon, 15 Aug 2005 22:38:51 GMT

haha who knew my past would catch up to me... and just at the time when i'm not at full strength. go figure..
its been a crazy couple of days. my sleep patterns are completley fucked up right now.
my entire life seems to be falling apart, but its not. i can deal with the few problems.
i always have before.
sorry i didnt call you.
i've been trying today. i hope you pick up one of these days haha.

Thu, 11 Aug 2005 15:16:40 GMT

yesterday i was soked.
head to toe. mind you i wasnt trying to hide from the rain either. people laughed at me cause i was clearly enjoying the rain.
first though as i saw the clouds, as the first drop fell and the thunder shook the ground i definatley thought of you. i always do. but i'm good at getting lost in life and in walks. moving through the world without anyone knowing. its a talent of sorts.

Tue, 09 Aug 2005 13:55:25 GMT

taking a trip, hitch hiking to the thousand islands.
see some old friends.
cant wait.
leaving friday.

wow

Fri, 05 Aug 2005 19:43:21 GMT

woke up after another night of dreaming
another night of that imagined epic in my head
yes i woke up at some hour after noon
yes i had another hangover but for some reason
something i cant pin down,
i have this energy and i need to go
and do something
god knows what haha
my arms hurt so much i think i actually ripped the muscles
so thats what that feels like haha
gotta love it
audios

dreams

Sat, 30 Jul 2005 15:46:07 GMT

my god are dreams random. they go from me running away from the law to me helping the jedi in a showdown against darthsidius. and yes this was all one dream. i like to think that things mean things, such as dreams meaning things. but i wonder if mine are just commercials for acid or mushrooms saying "you can see this when you're awake too"
mind you i do come up with some pretty cool shit in my dreams if i do say so myself. I had a very good dream not last night but the night before, it was one of those dreams you get with and alcohol (god i needed it) induced sleep. Then next day i saw one of the girls that happened to of graced my dream. Weird. that had been the first time i'd seen her for a few months.
and here, have you ever dreamt purposefully?
i remember one day i was terribly upset by a friend so mine leaving. i'd been living with her for a while and she was flying back across the country to her home town. We were all pretty sad about this. and i decided to go take a nap and dream about it... Dream? Why yes. in the same way that many say "i need to think about it" i left because i needed to dream about it. That nap i dreamt about exactly what i was thinking. i dreamt with purpose. now, mind you i never ended up figuring out what the dream meant or if it meant anything at all. but the fact that i did this like it was normal for me to decide to dream on something specifically, it was weird later.
but like i said sometimes they might mean something, sometimes i'm pretty sure its just a playground for your subconcious.
mind you it was fun with that lightsaber.

revelation

Sat, 30 Jul 2005 00:25:29 GMT

every new moments a new start.
if you actually do it, its true.

Wed, 27 Jul 2005 17:19:08 GMT

i want to move on,
not because of lack of love
but lack of the will from either party apparently to make it work
i want passion again in my life
i want to feel physical intimacy in my life again
i want the whispers under the sheets between lovers
i want lust, am i not far too young to have given up on lust?
i dont know what i want in my life but i want something

Tue, 26 Jul 2005 21:07:54 GMT

my hearts hurting.
i dont know why...
i cant fucking stop it .
i need to get out
i put my hand to my chest and feel it trying to rip itself out
i'm not writing down metaphors for my feelings
this is how i feel, physically, emotionally
i cant tell

Sun, 24 Jul 2005 22:20:22 GMT

i've reached my low. only place to go from here is up i guess.
i've actually started exercising everyday
its weird
it hurts haha
i'm down to 3-6 cigarettes a day
good compared to 25
and now i'm controlling myself
because lets face it
while i was a nice guy
i was a bit of an animal
i lived on instincts , impulses and addictions

weird

Mon, 18 Jul 2005 06:46:06 GMT

it has been a weird week.
not in so much events happening but more things in my head
while that might make me sound a bit insane , meh i'll write and you can judge later

this past week i've just been hanging out and doing whatever i can. playing guitar helps most of
the time but sometimes it just gets boring. being alone so much, you have time to think.
thinking is a bad thing.
i've come to realize just how lonley i actually am. haha but i guess thats life. my friend said
something to me that made me doubt my own feelings (not your fault) and she told me if
me and this girl love eachother that much how can we not give eachother everything we need.
loving sometimes means sacrifices and compromises. butthat doesnt always happen does it.
unfortunatley i've always had a problem with waiting.
i've made an appointment to see if i can get some bloody patches for the cigarettes. its time to
stop that shit.
also i've just been wondering who the hell i am. nothing new. we all do it. not a big deal when you think about it, but it is.
i just want to be able to do my own thing. love and be loved, have enough money, and be sexually satisfied. is that so much to ask? if anyone wants to give me a belated birthday present . one of these would be greatly appreciated. i'm getting more lost as time goes on.
and attempt to tell myself otherwise would be a fools errand.
i wish for so many things
to be found is only one.

Tue, 12 Jul 2005 18:39:16 GMT

god i'm bored...
and actually for once very sexually frusterated
i need a coffee..
i dont even know why i'm writing this stuff

Tue, 05 Jul 2005 13:54:11 GMT

now heres my problem
i'm in love
i love wchi this girl, i love everything about her
to me she is probably the most beautiful girl in the world
despite her lack of ability to believe that.
this sounds okay does it not?
well one of our problems is that despite this mutual love,
we dont know what we want, and at the same time as we
dont know what we want, we also know that a few of the
things we do want from a relationship that we cant give
eachother right now.

shitty eh.

i can see myself being with her for the rest of my life.
its weird to be able to see that happening at 18. which i am now
i turned it june 29th. it was a great day, i also had surgery on
my ankle haha. go figure. and i really havent had any birthday gifts.
but doesnt matter.

point is i'm in love with her.
but it just doesnt work
and its driving me to a certain
insanity...

i'm not even going to get into my problems when it comes to the friendship
i'm forbidden to. damned boyfriend jealous of me

but no life is good , hanging around, healin up etc.

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 00:59:27 GMT

just broke my ankle last night

haha
oh well

Mon, 13 Jun 2005 04:29:55 GMT

fuck it
lifes just getting to me for the first time in a long time

fuck this journal thing
i only use it to check how life is for some of my friends
and theres only one or two people that i really want to know

now if you'll excuse me i need to get to my recording

i'm almost done a full tape which i'll eventually record onto a cd
and i'm going to most likely just rerecord the whole thing

life

Tue, 07 Jun 2005 17:39:47 GMT

lets see i 've actually lost my center
i'm not just content anymore
i have a bit of selfloathing
a bit fucked up
know i messed up some things
and i cant find anyones fault but mine
i guess when it comes donw to it
i'm a moron

i can read and understand
i can create and try
i can learn whatever but i'm
stil a moron

i'm not overly sad just
annoyed
i dunno
life sucks sometimes
i need to get out of this bloody city
need to forget this life

Mon, 23 May 2005 00:35:16 GMT

have you ever...

1. Bought everyone in the pub a drink no
2. Swam with wild dolphins no
3. Climbed a mountain half of it
4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive no
5. Been inside the Great Pyramid no
6. Held a tarantula yes
7. Taken a candlelit bath with someone yes
8. Said "I love you" and meant it yes
9. Hugged a tree yes
10.Done a striptease yes
11. Bungee jumped yes
12. Visited Paris yes
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea yes
14. Stayed up all night long, and watched the sun rise yes
15. Seen the Northern Lights yes
16. Gone to a huge sports game yes
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables yes
19. Touched an iceberg. no
20. Slept under the stars yes
21. Changed a baby’s diaper yes
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon yes
23. Watched a meteor shower yes
24. Gotten drunk on champagne and many other things yes
25. Given more than you can afford to charity. yes
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope yes
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment yes
28. Had a food fight yes
29. Bet on a winning horse no
30. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill yes
31. Asked out a stranger yes
32. Had a snowball fight yes
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier yes
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can. yes
35. Held a lamb yes
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy yes
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip yes
38. Taken an ice cold bath yes
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a homeless person yes
40. Seen a total eclipse yes
41. Ridden a roller coaster yes
42. Hit a home run yes
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking yes
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day. yes
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors yes
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment yes
48. Had two hard drives for your computer yes
49. (visited all 10 Provinces) yes
50. Waterskiing
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced. yes
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied. yes
53. Had amazing friends yes
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country yes
55. Watched wild whales yes
56. Stolen a sign yes
57. Backpacked in europe
58. Taken a road-trip yes
59. Been rock climbing yes
60. Lied to a foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice. yes
61. Midnight walk on the beach yes
62. Gone sky diving no comment
63. Visited Ireland yes
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love not quite
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them yes
66. Visited Japan
67. Benchpressed your own weight. yes
68. Milked a cow yes
69. Alphabetized your records
70. Pretended to be a superhero yes
71. Sung karaoke yes
72. Lounged around in bed all day yes
73. Posed nude in front of strangers yes
74. Scuba diving yes
75. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye (oh the shame!) yes
76. Kissed in the rain yes
77. Played in the mud yes
78. Played in the rain yes
79. Gone to a drive-in theater yes
80. Done something you should regret, but don’t regret it. yes
81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog yes
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84. Started a business yes
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken yes
86. Toured ancient sites yes
87. Taken a martial arts class yes
88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman yes
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie yes
92. Crashed a party yes
93. Loved someone you shouldn’t have yes
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made you dizzy yes
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office yes
97. Gone without food for 5 days yes
98. Made cookies from scratch yes
99. Won first prize in a costume contest yes
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice yes
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on yes
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Been on a television news program as an "expert"
105. Received flowers for no reason yes
106. Masturbated in a public place yes
107. Got so drunk you don’t remember anything. yes
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug yes
109. Performed on stage yes
110. Been to Las Vegas yes
111. Recorded music yes
112. Eaten shark yes
113. Had a one-night stand yes
114. Gone to Thailand
115. Seen Siouxsie live
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone yes
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off yes
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently yes
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone yes
123. Bounced a cheque yes
124. Performed in Rocky Horror yes
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy yes
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars yes
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did yes
132. Called or written your MP or MPP
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over yes
134. …more than once? - More than thrice?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge yes
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking yes
137. Seen two or more oceans yes
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived yes
140. Wrote articles for a large publication yes
141. Lost over 100 pounds.
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback yes
143. Piloted an airplane yes
144. Petted a stingray yes
145. Broken someone's heart yes
146. Helped an animal give birth yes
147. Been fired or laid off from a job yes
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone yes
150. Been photgraphed naked yes
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Ridden a motorcycle yes
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 160 km/h (100 mph) yes
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced yes
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol yes
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild yes
157. Ridden a horse yes
158. Had major surgery
159. Had sex on a moving train yes
160. Had a snake as a pet
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing yes
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours yes
164. (Visited more foreign countries than Canadian Provinces?) yes
165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days yes
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
169. Been a sperm or egg donor.
170. Eaten sushi yes
171. Had your picture in the newspaper yes
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime.
173. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about yes
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions yes
175. Gone back to school
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes
180. Read The Iliad
181. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read. yes
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them yes
183. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch yes
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating yes
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt yes
187. Skipped all your school reunions
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language yes
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream yes
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care yes
193. Built your own PC from parts
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you yes
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196. Dyed your hair yes
197. Been a DJ
198. Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
199. Written your own role playing game
200. Been arrested
201. Dug in an archaeological context
202. Spoke at the European Parliament.

je vais revenir bientot

Sat, 30 Apr 2005 20:55:19 GMT

i'm getting to london at about 1130 pm .
i'm leaving here at 3am B.C. time
it's going to be a long day
i want to see josie
can't wait

as soon as i get my tax money and i save up about 1000 maybe 2000 dollars i'm moving out . so i'm guessing in about a month

hope my friend comes along
should be good

i'm still finishing school.
dont worry about that. but i'll do it in my way
night classes and stuff like that.
thats how it'll be.

et aussi j'ai besoin avoir quel que amis qui parler francais par ce que j'ai besoin practicer mon francais
je ne veux pas perdre ca.